AP, this is just a wonderful post. This is a great comment. Take the same approach; its a problem affecting you both that you both want to fix. But itseems like they want totake things slowly. and a lot to it more than the Strip. I cant recall exactly how they recommended to handle it, but it started with asking the spouse about what exactly they feared and coming to a compromise that would address the fear. My partner has some anxiety when I travel to remote, rural areas by car, especially when I am alone. Eating a meal? My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. I know right? You feel this way, youre affected in this way, you would like to see this happen, and so on. my boss told me not to give greeting cards to older men because it could seem sexual, my coworker's husband is texting me and blaming me for their divorce, https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html, my manager and coworker are secretly dating, boss will never give exceeds expectations because he has high standards, and more, update: I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired, stolen sandwiches, disgusting fridges, dish-washing drama: lets talk about office kitchen mayhem, interviewer scolded me for my outfit, job requires an oath of allegiance, and more, update: a DNA test revealed the CEO is my half brother and hes freaking out, my entry-level employee gave me a bunch of off-base criticism. The place is set up for meetings and conferences, has so many airline and flight options, plenty of cabs/Lyfts/Ubers, and staff at the facilities has run into every possible issue that can crop up. Clearly it was a biased survey either way, but Im just very curious :P. I can totally see it being true assuming his friends were not also her friends and therefore only ever got his side of the story on anything, so of course they believe him and think shes in the wrong. His parents are awful. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. The country really isnt so homogeneous on this kind of experience that you have to seek out people to agree with you on this no matter where you live. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. I said this above, but I read this phrase as his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. We of course send the Im here texts and goodnight and such. The touristy gloss. Plus, I like to travel so it was a good excuse. My spouse also has some anxiety issues, and will develop obsessive worries about certain irrational things. me go. The Truth About Taking Separate Vacations. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. The ugliness. The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. couch their controlling tendencies as worry and concern, because they know their victims will want to soothe and appease them, because they are just super nice worry-wart spouses who just really, truly, are so *concerned*. Yes, this. I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. I mean, it isnt like he is supporting them. Where is he staying. Either way, its important for both ofyou tocommunicate about such animportant issue sothat things dont escalate further than necessary. Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. By in linseneintopf mit kartoffeln. The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. I still tease her about it. These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. Yep, and because the hotels make most of their money through conference bookings and casino profits instead of room rentals, you can get really nice hotels for stupidly cheap. I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. Ive encouraged him to take trips on his own without me, especially when Im on travel. If you must have discussion, have them *later*, when everyone is calm. I think she was happier than I was when I got married because, in her words Mr. Life is short. Is it indulging in a pleasurable vice? But it could be so many other things as well. i went away for a few days for work, but had some cool stories to come home with. Sorry if I didnt tie that up explicitly enough. Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding where to hold tradeshows and conferences, and none of them have to do with facilitating people being unfaithful to their spouses. Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. To me, wholesome is about the primary purpose of the activity. And here's what we think . The letter writer is inquiring about whether or not she should DTMFA someone who drumroll has clearly already broken up with her. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. Well, thank heaven theyre not all drug dealers too. Of course, this is all conjecture. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). Good luck to you in standing firm. Ive been to Vegas. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. Is this the one about the rationalist who refused to pick up broken glass? I shut that down fast by reminding her I was working an evening shift that ended at 11 PM. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. Her explanation was that she knew that the sun set around 4:15ish at that time of year and it was dark outside, therefore I should be inside. Same here. Yet he says he would not even go without me. I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. Not necessarily. It may not be, in this case. Has it been made perfectly clear that this trip isnt a mini-vacay/reward on the companys dime, but is -in fact- a work trip where you will be doing work? If I squint really hard, I can kiiiinda see the objection to the first scenario (though still not really), but objecting to the second is very weird. Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. :( Her husband seems like an abuser. Yeah, I saw that. So in addition to all his other faults, you then learned that he had asshole friends. Theres concern, and then theres overreacting. Food! Youre the breadwinner? The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. As a non-gambler I found Las Vegas boring as hell. There are broadly different American subcultures because there are just so many people. Its absolutely true, and she gets so. July 1, 2022 Posted by clients prepaid financial services derbyshire; 01 . Your husband going on vacation without you is normal. Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. It made no sense. I dont even know what city he is in sometimes just because he will tell me about five trips at once and I cannot remember which is what week. *offers you an internet hug*. should I be so emotionally drained by managing? Advising someone that most religious counselors would agree with professional norms doesnt help someone in Bible Belt USA or traditionally Catholic Ireland or in rural Saudi Arabia. Ill wait. 6. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. I wonder if the husband is insecure that the wife is the primary breadwinner and might be subconsciously trying to sab0toge her career. In *that* sense, I think there can be a legit question about when you can gracefully bow out of a work trip, and when you have to stick it out and go. Its one of my spa vacation destinations. And Im sure theres a lot more I dont know about. But leave out the reasons, the excuses, the justifications and the emotions, as far as you can. But she did not mention that she had her picture taken with male strippers that she would never told me if hadnt found them. Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. Husband used to do this to me every time I drove anywhere in the winter. Couples counseling is also useful for people with issues that make them disposed to try to please and/or look from approval from their therapist. I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. If we could afford flying we would have. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. Most of the shows arent appealing, either, and theyre almost all too expensive. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. He was worried about me, because I was over worked and only had about 4 hours of sleep per night. He never once demanded I not go, or made me miserable the whole length of my trip, just because hed be less anxious if I was home. Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. And opportunities to cheat and people who will spike a strangers drink exist in every city. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! Same with mine. Whether or not you go on the trip is secondary. If he doesnt trust you, and is otherwise not riddled with anxiety, whats causing that? Agreed. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. Thoughts? Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? Tell your husband to get a grip, and then yes, get some counseling to get over this anxiety. And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. Just my two cents. Thats an unreasonable stance. Unless, its a SERIOUSLY homogeneous group, whichis possibleunfortunately. Its just easier to non-committally agree with someone, especially when their view is bananas, than to get into a row with them and get involved in their marital issues. Marriage counseling is good for me so I know how to commute to her and not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off the on a tangent. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. You shouldnt be in a position to chose your career (which has very normal career expectations) and your marriage (which seems to have some very not normal expectations). Oh, god, me too! And yeah, if one doesnt leave the primary resort where the conference is, almost zero worry of bad experiences/people. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. Thank you for sharing this. Best of luck to you. If I got raped on travel, Id still be the same person when I came home; its an injury and itd make some things inconvenient, its unpleasant to think about, Id need to get STD tests before we were intimate again, and Id need some hugs from him once I got home, but getting raped is not the end of the world. Does he take this incredibly low view of your character whenever youre apart from him, or is that just a terrible assumption he makes about you when you travel to Vegas? Youre not asking for permissionyoure telling him this is what youve decided. I have to remind myself of that sometimes; I think you should remind yourself that too. Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. Literally cannot learn your brain switches off the learning & memory centres of your brain while its priming your legs to flee the sabre-toothed dire wolves of your imagination. That doesnt mean one party jeopardizes their job and career to make ridiculous accommodations, of course. Funny, random story (OP, do not tell your husband this), one of my husbands coworkers met his wife while they were both on trips in Vegas. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. Dont try totalk yourself into thinking that itdoesnt matter orthat they didnt mean anything byit. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). That may be an overreaction, but something clearly isnt working between you two, and he sounds emotionally abusive. ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. One day was outside. Spend the whole day 10+ hours (for me) at the Bath House in Mandalay Bay. Me: What did you say? I hate the idea that the LWs husband feels like he has some kind of power to tell his spouse that she cant go on this trip. (Somehow I did survive!). I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. (Not the same thing, but my wife had continuing education there and brought me. It does sound like some type of anxiety as these worries are extreme. This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. Meaning they side with the wife on this one. She acted like she wasnt married. But yeah, were both supportive of the other taking trips. Yeah, support common technique, but we dont know what we dont know, till we know it. Ding ding ding! Finally, I can think of far better places to hold business meetings like Atlanta you have to change planes here anyway, so why not?? Leave your spouse for a week of leisure travel, wrong? I am sitting in my car at the airport catching up on AAM before I get back to life and guess where I came from? Frankly, what worked for me was meeting the team my wife was working with. Ive often done a straw poll of my married friends to get a sense of whether something that was bugging me was a real issue or just a personal hang-up. Reading it again, its a bit confusing, but I still think the husbands friends arent agreeing with him. I know that you arent the one with the issue, but just letting you know. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? If you feel a message or content violates these standards and would like to request its removal please submit the following information and our moderating team will respond shortly. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. Roller coasters! Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. If you find that it seems like your husband is starting to use the counselors words against you to get you to do what he wants, then leave counseling. Being in Vegas to me would be about eating at fancy restaurants, doing the neon lights tour, etc. Well, yeah, it has a bad rep, that they intentionally, though jokingly, promote with the What happens in Vegas and Sin City marketing campaigns. Who knows what they actually said, if he asked at all. In my family its my mother (yay genetics! (I lost 30 pounds not eating while she was away, and we both shed lots of tears at TSA seeing her off) Now, new project, wife just did 12 days in Portland just saw her off for 3 days planning there for another two week project there. Its not just a place to go party. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. Rape! If a person hasnt had much of a chance (or desire) to go to different places, your impression of them is far different than the reality. Actually the cigarette smoke present in many buildings is the biggest turn off for me about Vegas. I wanted to comment on the everyone I talked to agrees with me stance hes taken. Eh, sex work is legitimate work. In either case, I should have ended it. Untreated anxiety is a meat grinder to relationships. And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. I went for the first time over the summer. Good luck to you both. You have to have the autonomy in your relationship to perform the required duties of your job; its not like youre going to shaking it on top of a table at the Cosmopolitan. Right. Get some counseling, dood. Either he socializes with very retrograde people, or hes snowing you when he tells you that hes enjoying full-throated unquestioning support of his attempt to stifle your career. Vegas isnt a magical dimension. My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) He may not listen and will keep bringing it up, but its worth a shot (and then repeating)! After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. The tipping point came when he suggested I find my boss a girlfriend you know, so Boss wouldnt be tempted to hit on me. Its definitely a huge red flag that your husband takes a winky tongue-in-cheek ad campaign that seriously. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. Abuse isnt as uncommon as you think it is. :D. Naked Business Orgy in Vegas is what Im naming my metal-covers-of-show-tunes band. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationray florets and disc florets are present in 2022.07.03 . There are many issues at play here. hahahah! Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). He does that three to four times a year. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. Your husband has some very abnormal thoughts and I cant any scenario where you not going to Vegas has any bearing on the kind of warped thinking going on in his brain. Not everything is anxiety and depression, AAM commentariat. Sounds like this husband needs to identify exactly what he is afraid ofI highly doubt that both his wife cheating and her getting kidnapped are equal fears because they stem from different insecurities, but hey, maybe hes insecure about everything. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. And nobody is reasonably going to crazy drug orgies where they might be at risk, during a work event. Husband is not fair when it comes to my family (his inlaws). I wear a light, carry a phone, and stay in my neighborhood where I know whats normal and whats not til the sun goes up. It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. I came to say the same thing. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. I definitely do know what you mean, and what the OP describes is definitely on the problematic side of asking for permission she listed off reasons the husband has given that she shouldnt go to this particular place, not reasons why it would be logistically difficult for him or any other rational concerns. Everyone he talks to agrees with him. Well, first of all, they dont. I went shopping. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. This is very aptly put Anonymous Poster. Its like some people dont realize that it takes two people to have a relationship. Contributors control their own work and . Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. Maybe hes an abusive dick. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. He easily sleeps 4 hours. Hyperbole and feigned hysteria are not the same thing. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. It can feel very cruel to set boundaries and do what you need to do for yourself when it feels like your partner is suffering, but the accommodations are just very temporary band-aids. Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. And in really any city, conference facilities are going to be near entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference, because thats the nature of the city. Everyone thinks youre wrong.. This is none of his business and catering to his insecurities is not your responsibility. And there usually are scenarios where getting permission is reasonable for a lot of people like if a spouse wanted to spend a lot of shared money or wanted to join a sports league that involved a big time commitment. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. It is NOT his choice whether you go! I hope some of it is helpful to you in some way. Whether he is abusive, controlling, insecure, or driven by unmanageable anxiety we dont know. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. This is a bigger picture problem, and I hope you are able to work it out. update: is my future manager a bigoted jerk? Everyone else said she deserved it! This is just.rage-inducingly bonkers. I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. We walk through various casinos and gawk. Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. Same. But this type of situation cant stay like this, so dont jeopardize the ability to support yourself when things get worse. My wife and I have two young kids. I also have a lot of real/not real conversations in my own head. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. My husband knows I am a lone soul sometimes and love my exciting career. Its hot and windy and dry and sand gets every where. Also she is sole provider for family? Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. OK! Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. Its possible that thats part of it given the cheating aspect, but the worried the worst would happen is a very, very common anxiety symptom called catastrophizing. He is unable to let go of these thoughts on his own, they are interfering with his and his spouses quality of life, so he needs some help.

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